So in desperation, I even ask my husband….”Babe, where have I been?”..and he’s like “??????????????...um…what do you mean ..where have you been???…HERE????”. Ok in his defense, there isn’t a male ALIVE who would know what to do with a question like that, - they barely manage the straightforward ones like “Does my bum look big in this”…(ok bad example because that question is a MINEFIELD, but you know what I mean).
The fact is I am in conversation with myself ALL the time, about EVERYTHING, and ANYTHING. I visualize, strategise, agonize, analyze, ‘post mortem’ the day, reassess, preempt…blah blah blah..and so it goes, and I never, ever stop. So needless to say I was extremely rattled when it suddenly dawned on me one Sunday after chatting to Andrea on the phone, that everything had gone absolutely silent in my head…as in you could hear a pin drop. The scary thing is it had been like that for weeks, and I hadn’t really noticed, but when I did, I was thinking….”?????????!!!!!!!” ..what!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????????? And because I'm someone who is ALWAYS analyzing where I'm at, I could feel something was different....
It’s been quite a thing….I rely on these conversations for so many things! I’m my sounding board, I listen to my intuition all the time, I let me know when I’ve crossed the line, I talk myself in and out of things, I can tell myself anything, I enjoy my own company, I’m happy with me, heck I even LIKE me…"I" and "me" even have the same taste in books”!! ..and so this is where I was until yesterday…wondering what was going on in my head AND MY LIFE!!!..because this critical part of ME had changed, and I wanted it back! Some people wake up and can’t move their legs…I was feeling the same. But blessed as I am to have the sisters I do in my life, Andrea said something profound that took me one step closer to calm…her theory was that maybe I had found …PEACE…something that she so rightly said, so many people don’t have in their lives. For me, that was an “AHA moment”. Thank you GF…you’ve always been able to see right into my heart and soul, as only a soul sister can.
And it’s amazing how life presents you with PRESENTS just when the time is right for you to receive them, if you trust life enough to do that. Today, after a strange little journey, which never had me looking really, I stumbled across some information, and in it, the author Eckhart Tolle speaks of his own journey, and how he came to realize, (the long and the short of it) that very often there can be two of you ..the “I” and the “self”, but only one of them is real, and when he realized that, his mind stopped, and there were no more thoughts.. (yes..yes..that's me!!!....OhMyGosh..no ways!)….but what has been really profound for me, has shed some light on where I am at right now, and has meaning for all of us, is his explanation that we all have within us a “knower” and a “thinker”, and I think, that maybe after all this time on this journey of mine, I am finally trusting 100% that my 'knower' really does “know what’s best for me”, and so there’s really very little left to THINK or fret about….. sigh....to know peace is to love peace.
The pics in this post were all taken recently at the wonderful Bhowani game reserve, just 15 mins from Hillcrest. Sigh...for me, just the drive there was food for the soul.....kind of like when dogs drive with their heads out the window..slobber and all....on windy, country roads. I really really recommend you try it...an INCREDIBLE 3 course - eat as much as you like - buffet spread for R60.00 p.p, with amazing views to go with it. This is where we are going for Valentines Day, dinner and dance with our friends who are out from the UK...if you live close by - I highly recommend it!!