Putting itchy eye's, soggy tissues and sadness behind me

Another milestone...a memorial service was held for our Gran in Ceres, at 10h30 today.

I just couldn't face being there.....in the space she used to fill, knowing I wouldn't see her there, uh-uh....I just COULDN'T do it! They would have had to peel me off the walls of her room, and forcibly remove me - it would have been ugly:-/...and I have NO SHAME!!! That to me, is far more traumatic than seeing the dramatic changes in her, brought about by her illness. At least I could see her, touch her, help her, and knew her spirit was there. I said goodbye to her twice in the last 3 months (ok.... so she was a little indecisive...should I stay??..should I go?? :-/), but it gave me the peace of mind I needed, to have no regrets about the decision to stay home in my "safe place". My little piece of heaven, where the chickens roam, the kitchen smells of freshly baked bread, and the sun fills the rooms with light and warmth....I've needed that!!....instead of facing the heartache of seeing her empty room, her empty bed....wondering whether or not there really is a HEAVEN???...hey???? I dunno????...see....there i go.....thinking those crazy woman thoughts again!!

Today our little chickens (the non feathered kind) stayed at home, and took full advantage of this bed weather we're enjoying. We lit candles, played old fashioned songs, and worked on the words we want to share tomorrow, when we host our own little memorial for Great Gran, here in our garden. I prayed today that God wouldn't send me on a wild goose chase; that he would lead me straight to what I was looking for - he came through for me; I found the rose bush our family will plant tomorrow in her honour, called "My Granny". In addition to that we'll also plant our first ever LEMON TREE, i got from gf's Can and Vee - JUUST too clever and special for words! Thank you gf's! You know i have such a looota love for lemons!!

This week i have drawn so much strength from my wonderful family and friends. My friends abroad have felt so so close at this time, as though they still lived down the road - ahh well you can only dream:-)...and then of course...my blog buddies.... - thank you all for your love, your thoughts, your words of comfort and your wonderful support. I never thought I'd say this, but I'm GONNA.....thank HEAVENS for WORLD CUP hype...you just can't help but smile, laugh and get caught up it in...it's like being in a permanent MEXICAN WAVE!!! lol! These truly have been the distractions I've needed to help me find my "happy space". To not be engulfed and dragged down, by the overwhelming sadness you can feel, when you let it take hold of you for too long.

I feel like I have picked myself up off the floor, and am feeling more like MYSELF AGAIN...heck I've missed MYSELF!! I know there are and will be moments, but I've decided to really embrace and dine out on the highs, and as for the lows.....well....everyday has them....you just gotta put your TIARA and your big girl panties on, and show them who's boss:-)
sigh.....I really think every GAL deserves one of these....just sayin'.....