HEART BROKEN

Rest in peace, Dorothy Glays Humphries......xxx
To be heartbroken is such a difficult thing .......you don't quite know if you want to sit, or stand, or eat or starve, or sleep, or be awake.....you just don't know. HEART BROKEN however...feels and is, more permanent. It's not just how you feel, it's what and who you are.......you know that it's forever, in the sense that that piece of your heart is BROKEN - gone....for good. You can't undo it, you can't replace it with some other piece, you can't ride the wave until it doesn't hurt anymore, it's just BROKEN...always. Your heart will always look different to the way it did before, and over time, you learn to live with that piece of you that's missing - that's what time does....

I've been heartbroken many times over the last 3 months, watching my precious Gran slip away. She passed away yesterday afternoon, and that's when you really feel like someone's ripped the plasters keeping your heart together, right off, in one foul swoop. I know she's gone to a better place, and I know she's at peace, but what I know more than anything right now, is that we will never again sleep under the same starlit sky, laugh together, or share the seasons....of time, or of ours lives, again......that's the piece she took with her:-(

To my darling special, precious person, Gran.....who ALWAYS made me smile, who laughed at my jokes, and ALWAYS believed in me, right until the very last time we spoke, my world was always a better place, with you in it..... . I am so so proud of who you were, and how to the very end, you were THOUGHTFUL, KIND, FUNNY, LOVING AND DIGNIFIED. I hope and prey that at the end of my life, I will look back and be HALF the woman you were. Knowing and loving you was a gift and a priviledge.

You go be with your Joe ....

LU

xxx
Bee

I remember this day so clearly, like it was yesterday....

Life's little lifelines

My little darlings, sharing some love.

I almost never took this second trip to Cape Town to see my Gran, because I was petrified of facing that return flight home alone, in an emotional state I knew I would be in. Fortunately on my last trip home, crazy crying person (that would be me) had my hubby and one of my uncles on the flight with me for comfort, but this time, I knew I would be coming home alone:-/-ish.

Sometimes God sends us lifelines in the simplest, and most unexpected ways. For me, last night was one of those times. To fly back on SAA for starters was like being back home for me:-). I was pleasantly distracted, pondering on how safe and good it felt to be back in "my old office":-) - the lovely A320. The cherry on the ice cream sundae was when I stepped on board and was welcomed by the purser, Richard, who just happened to be one of my favourite pursers, back in the day. Richard is tall and burly, with a permanent smile on his face that is genuine, and really reaches out to you with warmth and kindness, for when you need it most:-) I sat in my seat and silently said a prayer of thanks for that fact that in my vulnerable state, I was surrounded by these positive elements, which I had no doubt were 'heaven sent'.

Landing at the new King Shaka airport was AWESOME (read - yet another distraction)!! And then finally, my DH and little chickens (the non feathered kind), were beside themselves happy to see me and have me home, and I needed that too:-) So here I am, back in my happy place, with my peeps, albeit with a heart that has plasters stuck all over it to keep it in tact.
I fell in love with this pumkin on steroids - at the entrance to my Gran's retirement village - so wish I could say it was lying in my back yard...I had a serious case of "vegetable garden envy".

My Gran's home in the sleepy little town of Prince Alfred's Hamlet, outside Ceres. Sadly i never captured the magnificant lawns and gardens. So happy she has been able to enjoy this little piece of heaven and call it home for the last few years. So convenient that I was able to snap these pics with my new cellphone.

Doing what counts...

I'm writing this post from my precious Grandmother's bedside in Cape Town. The view from her bed is a picture: majestic mountains, beautiful roses, trees showered in autumn colours, and a delightful little house with a tin roof. I love that that's what she sees when she's awake. I'm saddened by the fact that she will never again truly experience being in it, or the smell of it, or feel grass under her feet. But nonetheless, the magic of nature is that even just seeing it, can revive the soul. This morning, inbetween the short conversation her fragility allows, we sat in silence at times, holding hands, taking it all in, me forever trying to etch these moments and memories of our time together, deep into my mind heart and mind.

As a wife and mother, even though I am fully aware of the responsibilities I leave behind by taking these trips, they all seem to pale in significance, compared with that of me spending every last moment I possibly can, here with this person i love so dearly. It's never easy to leave the role of wife and mother behind, but there are times in life, where you need to be able to be the grandaughter, or sister, or daughter 100% so you can make it count. The way I see it is, if my children can't cope without me for a few days, then I truly have failed them as a mother. I love that this time away encourages them to draw on their independence, and most importantly, appreciate that life doesn't always revolve around ourselves only. I could never even begin to put into words, the impact and influence my Gran has had on me and my life, so these last few weeks of her life have had me constantly questioning, what else could be more important than being by her side. Up until 6 weeks ago, she has ALWAYS been the person I could turn to for perspective, guidance, a should to cry on, or to share a few laughs with,......because she knows my heart, always has, always will.........

I'm finding it extremely hard to accept that I cannot change this situation, fix it, delay it or reinvent it. Instead, my options are to be in it and endure it. When big things are happening in my life, I tend to "zone in on the crisis", which makes it difficult to focus on the rest. But I've made a conscious decision to be okay with that.

This time with Gran, is for me a gift from my DH, who in my absence not only has to deal with the stress of running a business, but take control of everything else that would generally be handled by me {which is a lot!! - even if i say so myself :-) }... . I love and appreciate that he has been selfless and allowed me this time, to do what really counts....be the grandaughter to someone really special, for as long possible.